Child: I need water. I’m thirsty. Mommy/Daddy!
Parent: How do you ask?
Child: I want my truck. Where’s my truck? Mommy/Daddy!
Parent: Can you ask me the right way?
Child: Give me some. I want some of that.
Parent: Can I have some, PLEASE.
The terrible, “HOW DO YOU ASK” loop is reinforced.
Here are TWO reasons your child doesn’t say ‘please’ or ‘thank you’.
1) Adult Pacing
Are you so connected with your child that you anticipate their needs before they announce them? Are you walking to get the water as soon as you see them lick their lips? Are you scanning the room for the missing doll? As soon as you see them, look around.
Infants rely on this system to survive, as your child shifts into toddlerhood; it must expire.
Your quick help. Your efficiency in finding things creates a mistaken expectation that a parent should always resolve problems quickly.
Looking back, can you see how please or thank you’s were left out of this equation?
Over time, the cry or display of displeasure became the parental prompt. Polite asks were rare, therefore, never becoming a requirement. If you remember requiring please and thank you there is a tiny thing that voided them.
If you were already in motion providing help, then paused to require the polite ask, in your child’s mind, the words were logged as random instead of necessary.
Most common scenario:
Problem Arises ➡️ Adult fixes ➡️ Child assumes support ➡️ No Please or Thank You’s
Desired scenarios:
No Anticipatory Help ➡️ Child States Problem ➡️ Child Resolution
or
No Anticipatory Help ➡️ Child States Problem ➡️ Communicating Need or Desire for Help ➡️ Polite ask initiates action ➡️ Plan for Resolution
2) Children believe you are an extension of themselves instead of a distinct individual.
This unspoken expectation of anticipatory “help” creates an implicit system. Your child grows to assume this help/team dynamic is ALWAYS at play. Your child learns to expect it as part of the relationship. My body/brain can’t, therefore yours are available at my discretion.
A child needs to reach high. Mom gets its.
Your arms are their arms. Their goals are your goals. Their obstacles are your obstacles.
There is no separation.
See where I am going with this? Does this sound familiar?
The longer this exists, the greater the belief the child places extra effort directing or nagging the parent. They are problem solving based on the system we subconsciously created.
When a child assumes your arms are an extension of theirs, they become bossy and rigid.
“Not like that.”
“Higher!”
“You are not doing it right!”
These comments are a cue that a shift is necessary.
Instead of teaching a child to rely on the parent to be omnipotent and bring quick resolutions, we seek to build healthy interdependence.
Interdependence interdependence, n.
The fact or condition of depending each upon the other: mutual dependence.
When a child understands they are separate beings from their parent, Please and Thank You’s become worthwhile tools for the child. A child clearly understands they are asking for a favor when interrupting someone else’s plans. A child can see they need to ask to use a parent’s body, brain, or energy.
If this makes sense, but you still don’t know where to start, stop prompting please and thank you.
Use my shortcut.
Parent: Ask like I’m a friend.
Mommy can you help me?
Can you hand one, too?
No matter the age, this phrase hits home. You are teaching your child a significant skill.
Speak with levity, humility, and kindness.
The feel of the ask reveals the health of the relationship.
Move beyond manners to cultivate a rich understanding of healthy relationships.
Wondering what interdependence looks like in adulthood. These are two great reads.
Creating Healthy Interdependence in Relationship, Annie Tanasugarn Ph.D., CCTSA
What Parents, Grown Kids Mean By “Independent” Is Different by Jane Adams, PhD
Thank you for taking the time to read this. Wishing you a great rest of the day.
PS If you have a few parent friends who want to form an intimate monthly Zoom meeting with me, please don’t hesitate to reach out.
