There is no out-of-the-box way to parent children. That is one of the flaws of seeking out a parenting style. There is no “one size fits all.”
Gentle Parenting sounds and appears lovely, but it calls upon a nuanced understanding from both the parent and the child.
Nuance under pressure is hard to come by.
When your kid is having a tantrum, and you are running late to an appointment, the approach is challenging to put into play.
When your kid is hitting the neighbor’s kid for the third time, and the other parents are giving you “death stares,” the approach leaves much to be desired.
When you find yourself talking nonstop, and your kid doesn’t buy in, you are again at a loss.
Here are three things to keep in mind when using this approach:
- The approach is emotion-based. Naming the emotion and connecting it with the mistaken behavior is the goal.
If you mislabel an emotion, your kid may feel a disconnect with you.
Your child may get overwhelmed if you pay too much attention to the feeling.
If you talk too much, your child will become frustrated.
- The approach assumes your child is comfortable speaking about emotions and prefers this angle toward problem-solving.
If your child is more data-based (analytical), problem-solving through an emotional lens will fall flat.
If your child has a short attention span, the tendency toward long conversations will become irritating.
If your child isn’t very self-aware, most of your conversation will go over their head.
- Talking can supersede clear boundaries.
This approach defaults toward letting kids have many attempts to arrive at a more desired outcome.
This approach implies everyone suffers while one child learns or refines their approach.
This approach can feel like the moment creates a spotlight on one child/parent to fix the problem.
If you can relate to any of the above scenarios, here are three quick adjustments that may help:
- Instead of naming a specific emotion, go more general. These phrases are shortcuts toward highlighting the miscommunication or expectation shift and establishing the need for more information.
“Uh-oh, is it getting tricky?”
“Oh my, you’re making the ‘I have a different idea face .’What do you want to try instead of this?”
2) Identifying the failed strategy, retiring it and offering a new one.
“Oh, you hit him so you could get the shovel. Hitting didn’t work. What is your new plan?”
“You are screaming about the toy you want. Let’s stretch your hand out and ask for a turn. Let’s see if that works better?”
3) Establish the limits before you speak. Have a straightforward approach.
“We will listen to one book, then get up to play. I will clean up the book.”
“We are going to the store to get bread. Only bread. I will buckle you in the cart so we can go in quickly and leave fast.”
“We are going to go to Sean’s house to play. If it gets tricky, we will try one or two times. If it is still tricky, we will say goodbye and try again another day.”
If Gentle Parenting is not “working” give these adjustments a try. Let me know if these tips helped. If you have any questions, I’d love to hear them.
Wishing the best on the wildest journey of your life,
Joshua
